Cat Lover?

How to Give your Cat a Pill

A short guide in 15 steps

1. Place your kitten in the crook of your arm, as if cradling a baby. Put your right index finger and thumb on both sides of your pet’s jaw and, carefully exerting pressure, hold the pill ready in your other hand, As soon as the kitten opens her mouth, insert the pill so she can swallow it.

2. Pick up the pill from the floor and fetch your kitten from behind the sofa. Cradle her in your arm again and repeat the process.

3. Fetch the cat from the bedroom and bin the wet pill.

4. Take a new pill from the bottle, and hold your cat in your arm while keeping both front paws still. Force open her jaws and push the pill into her mouth with your right index finger. Keep her jaws closed while you count to ten.

5. Using the net, fish the pill out of the aquarium and fetch the stupid cat from the top of the cupboard. Call your partner to come in from the garden and help you.

6. Kneel on the floor and hold the cat between your thighs. Take a firm grip of her front paws, ignoring the loud screeching. Tell your partner to hold the cat’s head firmly and open her mouth with a wooden ruler. Insert the pill via the ruler in the cat’s mouth and stroke her throat to encourage reflex action of swallowing.

7. Haul the animal down from the curtain rail and take another pill from the bottle. Make a mental note to buy a new ruler and to get the curtains repaired. Sweep up the broken glass from the fallen picture frames and pieces of china from the broken ornaments.

8. Wrap the blasted animal in a large towel. Get your partner to sit or lie on top of the cat so that only her head sticks out from under your armpits. Suck the pill up through a straw and force the cat’s mouth open. Blow the pill into the cat’s mouth through the straw.

9. Carefully check the pamphlet in the pill bottle to see whether the pills are dangerous for humans. Have a cold beer to remove the bitter taste from your mouth. Dab your partner’s arm with disinfectant, put ointment on the wounds and bandage them. Clean the bloodstains from furniture and carpets.

10. Fetch the damned cat from the neighbour’s garage. Have a second beer. Then take another pill from the bottle. Put the animal in the wardrobe so that only her head sticks out. Force her jaws open and, using a catapult, shoot the pill down her throat.

11. Fetch the screwdriver from the garage and hang the wardrobe door back on its hinges. Take out your whisky and have a generous tot. Disinfect the scratchmarks on your cheeks. Check whether your anti-tetanus injection is still valid. Throw your torn shirt in the rubbish bin and put on your overalls.

12. Ring the fire brigade to rescue the blasted animal from the tree outside, apologising to your neighbours for the foul language. Take the last pill from the bottle.

13. Tape the wretched animal’s front paws together with duct tape. Tie her securely to one of the legs of your dining room table with anchor rope. Put on your welding gloves, hide the pill in a lump of mincemeat and pour a large glass of water. Hold the animal’s head from behind, chuck the pill into its jaws and follow this with the entire glass of water. Keep the cat’s jaws clamped for at least five minutes.

14. Pick up the whisky bottle and empty it. The loss of blood is making you light-headed so ask your partner to ring Casualty. Ask them to stitch your fingers and forearm and remove the pill from your eye. Meanwhile ring the Hyperama to order a new dining room table.

15. Ring the SPCA and organise for them to fetch this f****** animal from hell. Ask the local petshop if they sell hamsters..